The Four Agreements
We need to live in the world but not of the world.
When the answer is “no”….
What does it feel like when you gather the courage to ask something of someone? Or put out an invitation? Or make a request? Then they say “no”.
Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a book called “The Four agreements”
These four agreements he cites, are powerful agreements we can choose to undertake.
With a strong will to energise this choice, we are able to change our fear- based, survival thinking. For example;
I must; I should; I can’t.
By engaging with and living these Four agreements, we have the potential to liberate ourselves from limited thinking. Thus moving towards greater creativity and multiple possibilities.
The Four Agreements:
Speak impeccably with your words
Don’t take things personally
Don’t make assumptions
Always do your best
High ideals?
Maybe so, and it is true what he says, a strong will is required to live by these values.
The world is a busy, chaotic and distracting place.
One of my teachers once said to me:
“ We need to live in the world but not of the world”
You may want to pause to consider what this statement means to you.
For me it is like the poem; 'Invictus' by William Earnest Henley; and this part particularly:
"It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul."
Staying focused on our dreams, on being the best version of ourselves, because the world will come at us with all the reasons why we should be more, or that we are too much. Being authentic takes courage, clarity, curiosity, compassion and conviction.
My interpretation of employing these Four Agreements is that they create the opportunity for us to clear old mental habits which have become our "personality" a personal label if you like which society might tell us we cannot change.
Jo Dispenzia in his book "Breaking the habit of being yourself" says that our personality is simply a collection of fluctuating mood states which began as temporary. Over time, these became more entrenched ways of being in the form of habits. These habits, then acted out daily, became our personality.
Personality (under the guidance of the Four Agreements) then becomes a mutible factor, as opposed to fixed.
The energy that was required to maintain our personality is liberated and potentialised. Fuel for our creative dreams and endeavours.
So, back to being told "no"
Many times recently as I have begun putting my work out more in the public arena, in the form of workshops, retreats and courses, I have been receiving more "no's".
It can feel disheartening and disappointing. Feelings of self-doubt arise, shame, comparison, confusion and frustration too.
All of this chews away at my energy and there are times when I have questioned my intentions and motivations.
So what if I applied the Four Agreements?
To speak impeccably to myself and for me this looks like self-compassion, a kind inner coach who supports me rather than judges me for simply having a go whilst receiving a no.
To not take things personally (this is key for me). In an overstimulated world, with many living in survival mode, too much is too much!
What you are offering can become just one more thing the invitee "can't" do or "does not have time for" and that's not personal, it is circumstancial for many.
Don't make assumptions. Our mind is very good at making up stories.
For example; They said no because I am not as good as so and so. They said no because secretly they don't respect me or my work. They said no because......
Most people say no because for their own personal reasons they believe they cannot make that choice, and so it is.
Yet, many are not willing to challenge their beliefs because this requires energy and a lot of people are tired + wired with dysregulated nervous systems, which means "no" is the choice they often make.
Always do your best remembering that our best is not a benchmark of perfection. Its an intention to be in our integrity where our beliefs and actions align to create a core of self-respect. This empowers our empathy, compassion and emotional intelligence.
For me; the attention to daily rituals which empower my interoception, my abilty to look within, is the starting point from which the pathway of integrity unfolds.
Then, it does not matter how many "no's" I receive because as the "Captain of my Soul" I get to choose how I respond and be a concious creator in my life.
Author - Rebecca Foster, Nurture Soul
